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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Life is so much better after having sex.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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