I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
