got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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