Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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