Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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