Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
