Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
