I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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