i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
