Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
