I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
