It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
