It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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