Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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