How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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