ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
