if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
