remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
