i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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