I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Randomize
