remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we're so committed to being not committed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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