Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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