alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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