What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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