I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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