I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
