So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
