ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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