at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
