I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
