Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
