There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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