I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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