i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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