did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
