You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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