well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
