I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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