apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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