my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
