if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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