I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
