so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
