having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry about my life...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
