I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I skipped work to stalk him.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
there is glitter all over my balls
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