I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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