I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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