When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
