I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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