True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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