Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
