I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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