He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
