at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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