i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
