Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
