So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
