So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
