Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
