Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
