Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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