they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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