I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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